Maintaining Individuality in a Relationship

February is a month that seems to orbit the 14th. After all, some Valentine’s dates take a whole month to plan, reservations in the best restaurants are snatched up, and there’s a lot of emphasis put on relationships, love, and how it’s shown.

Being in a relationship is exciting – there are new things to do, emotions going wild, and this person that you’ve begun to weave into your life seems to take up more and more of your thoughts and time. That’s great! Feeling loved and being able to give it are both wonderful things that we get to experience, but there are plenty of times when it can go too far.

This can be when too much of your time and energy is being invested or, obversely, too little. An ideal relationship is one that emphasizes interdependency – a healthy medium in the Venn Diagram of individuality and the presence of dependency in a partnership.

Attachment styles can play a crucial role in how you form and maintain these relationships and your individuality. Individualism is a critical part of personal growth; it allows you to develop aspects of who you are, what you like to do, and your ability to make decisions that align with the person you want to be. It also enables you to have a sense of self – how you feel as an individual. What your needs are as an individual. 

Let’s explore how individual counseling and therapy could be what you need to make your relationship with your partner and yourself stronger than ever by overcoming hurdles that could have developed very early in your formative years without you knowing.

Codependency in Relationships

While relationships provide companionship, a partner to share responsibilities with, and someone to confide in, many times, relationships can be so consuming that an individual finds themselves neglecting their own wants and needs for the sake of their relationship. This can be unintentional or, in some cases, very much intentional for reasons attributed to fear.

Codependency can result in the loss of your individuality and sense of self: everything becomes “our” problem instead of “my” problem, “our” decision instead of “my” decision because one or both partners are so concerned about their significant other’s response to their actions and fear abandonment.

Perhaps you’re afraid that your partner may leave if you do something wrong, or that they won’t love you anymore. If they don’t supply a near-constant flow of validation, it might feel like they don’t want you or that your relationship isn’t stable. 

By relying on that sense of validation from your significant other to reassure you that they still love you and want to be with you, or shaping your decisions and actions solely around what your partner wants or you think they want, you lose some ability to be an individual. This is detrimental, because you are your own person with your own wants and needs that won’t always align with your partner’s.

If you’ve noticed a trend in past relationships or the presence of codependency in your current one, you could have an Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment style. This is characterized by severe codependency and the need for constant validation by their partner with additional fears of abandonment.

This attachment style develops early in life if a primary caretaker was inconsistent with care or misattuned, which means that the caretaker was unable to be empathetic or enough of a parental figure when their child needed them to be. This creates a deep sense of fear and anxiety in a person that those who they love and who are supposed to love them unconditionally may not always be there, and they take to upon themselves to do everything in their power to keep their loved ones from leaving.

Independence in Relationships

When talking about individuality and relationships, being too independent doesn’t seem like it would be a problem, right? Unfortunately, it is, in many cases. 

While your individuality might thrive as an independent person, free from relationships and dependency altogether — both when it comes to people depending on you and you depending on others — the fact that you’re unwilling to compromise and accept someone into your life is an indicator of a different issue. Individual therapy at that point wouldn’t revolve around regaining your individuality but, rather, what makes dependency something to be feared.

Being in a relationship doesn’t always take away your independence and individuality but, if you find yourself afraid of that risk or afraid of the elements that might come along with partnership and stable companionship, such as emotional and physical intimacy, vulnerability, and connection, then you may have either a Dismissive-Avoidant or Fearful-Avoidant Attachment style.

In Dismissive-Avoidant relationships, there is an abject fear and reluctance to every part of a relationship: you don’t want to depend on anyone, nor for anyone to depend on you and you’re deeply adverse to intimacy and vulnerability. This can develop if a primary caretaker wasn’t there physically and/or emotionally and forced their child to self-soothe and become independent too early.

Fearful-Avoidant relationships, also called Disorganized Attachment, develop from an inconsistent and/or abusive caretaker. If the caretaker cannot be seen as a safe place, or as a consistent safe place, then a child develops an ambivalence with them and other relationships. The main difference between Fearful-Avoidant and Dismissive-Avoidant styles is that those with a Fearful-Avoidant Attachment style desire a relationship, intimacy, and closeness but reject it once faced with it.

Individuality and independence are closely intertwined, and it’s healthy to have both, but when you resist any form of dependency or find yourself afraid of it, then it might be a good idea to seek out individual therapy to tackle that fear.

Interdependence in Relationships

With some parts of society pushing a codependent relationship where everything is a “we” issue, interdependence ensures that boundaries are set and kept, needs are met, and the relationship is balanced with individuality.

Interdependence is a structurally-sound model: each partner is invested in the relationship, seeks out dependency, and allows intimacy, connection, and vulnerability to be a part of their relationship while maintaining their own sense of self. This allows them to satisfy the needs of both themselves and their partners. 

That’s not to say that the relationship is perfect or never has issues! But, interdependence allows each side to form their own opinion and make decisions with their partner in mind without being centered around them in fear of abandonment and supports the overlap of daily life and responsibilities without taking away total independence or autonomy. 

There are still issues that do better individually — even in a stable, secure relationship — and that isn’t a bad thing! That’s a show of individuality and the ability to discern what’s best for you as someone with a strong identity. 

If you struggle with dependency in relationships – whether that be codependency or independency – or if you want to focus on yourself as an individual to enhance the interdependence you already have with your partner, then individual therapy might be a beneficial journey for you to take. Dawn Pendleton has availability now and flexible hours to fit your needs! 

If you or someone you love is looking for a reliable, trustworthy counselor with specialties in the LGBTQIA+ community, sports and performance enhancement, and trauma, Dawn Pendleton of Pendleton Counseling Collaborative, EMDR-certified and Licensed Marriage and Family therapist, is currently accepting new clients. With over 20 years of experience working in both the public and private sectors of the mental health field, Dawn is licensed to provide in-person and telehealth services in both Kentucky and Indiana. Feel free to fill out an inquiry form with any additional questions, call (502) 377-1690, or visit my website to book an appointment.